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Neon Deion Intercepts Logic

Deion Sanders should probably keep his thoughts about Michael Vick to himself.

What a dog means to Vick might be a lot different than what he means to you or I. Hold on, don’t start shaking your head just yet. Listen to me. Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that.

And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You’re probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest. Maybe, he identified with them in some way.

I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It’s like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn’t tap out when he knows he can’t win.

The reason this is turning into a three-ring circus is that baseball is boring, basketball is months away, football is around the corner and we in the media don’t have a thing interesting to write about.

Honestly, I started shaking my head even before Deion told me not to start just yet. What Vick is accused of is a felony and a particularly cruel crime. That's both why people are turning it into a circus and why it is, in fact, interesting to people. (The FanHouse)

Elsewhere on the internets of sport:

Mike Piazza's spent a good deal of his career squatting which raises the question of why he didn't just duck. (The Postmen)

Why do sports bloggers always hurt the ones they love? (Larry Brown Sports)

Ah, Yankee Stadium, the Walden Pond of the Bronx. (Home Run Derby)

Not the best week for commissioners. (Epic Carnival)

Getting to know the guy with the longest last name in baseball. (The Extrapolater)

Barry Bonds finally speaks to the reporters. If he gets a little more self-confidence he might really make something of himself. (Nation of Islam Sportsblog)

How's Jack Cust doing? It's the fall that kills ya. (Rumors and Rants)

Too soon for an ACC preview? Not at all, judging from the response of one proud West Virginian.(Strike Zones and End Zones, Losers With Socks)

Saying Goodbye To Dan Patrick, Homer Bailey And, Maybe, Don Nelson

Dan Patrick is leaving ESPN which makes us remember his partnership with Keith Olbermann fondly. The last decade or so? Not so much. (Chuckie Hacks)

Kwame Brown may have had two surgeries in the last five weeks but that doesn't stop him from checking out the ladies who like ladies. (You Been Blinded)

The Home Run Derby is tonight but unless you love hearing Chris Berman say "Back Back Back" (and we're guessing you don't) there's nothing to see here. (Winning the Turnover Battle)

Don Nelson's playing a little game of "Look what I've done for you lately" with the Warriors. (SFgate)

Mark Buerhle left a lot of money on the table. (Rob Neyer)

A comprehensive look at the Rock Paper Scissors championship. (Joe Sports Fan)

First sneakers, now childrens books...pretty soon all our children will belong to Starbury. (Can't Stop The Bleeding)

Will Les Miles leave LSU, and those pesky 11-year old girls, and replace Lloyd Carr at his alma mater? (The Wizard of Odds)

Everything's coming up Phillies. (Umpbump)

Homer Bailey, we hardly knew ye. (Rumors and Rants)

Getting Drunk On Athletes, Remembering Larry Doby And Kei Igawa's Losing It

It's Friday so let's all head out and enjoy a few Doc Goodens, the sunshine and good friends. (Deuce of Davenport)

Major League Baseball is angry with ESPN. Get in line, Bud. (Can't Stop The Bleeding)

Everything you (n)ever needed to know about that odd hill in centerfield at Minute Maid Park. (The 700 Level)

Jeremy Roenick retired from hockey this week. Still going strong is the NHL '94 Roenick, a.k.a. the Bo Jackson of video game hockey. (The Sports Hernia)

Improving baseball's All-Star Game. (All on the Field)

Coco Crisp kept finding himself in good situations last night. (One More Dying Quail)

David Beckham hits the United States and ESPN discovers soccer. Coincidence? (Lion in Oil)

Kei Igawa is almost as frustrated with Kei Igawa as Yankee fans. (NY Post)

Whither QuesTec? (Doberman On The Diamond)

It was 60 years ago yesterday that Larry Doby broke the AL color line for the Cleveland Indians. Isn't that enough time for them to come up with a less offensive mascot? (Bugs & Cranks)

Dwight And Lindsey Huffing In A Tree

Doc Gooden and Lindsey Lohan would make some sweet, sweet music together. Their love would likely be too pure for our world, though. (The Realests)

Hating ESPN with the heat equal to the burning suns of 1,000 hairdressers pinched by Woody Paige. (100% Injury Rate)

We'd sooner buy a ticket to see a movie about the 2007 Pittsburgh Pirates than one about the 2003 Cincinnati Reds. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. (Mondesi's House)

Best wishes to Derek Fisher and his family. His second half against the Warriors the night he arrived at halftime was one of the few highlights of the playoffs. (Salt Lake Tribune)

Occasionally something good happens when they pan the crowd for shots on the Jumbotron.(SimonOnSports)

That Brewers-Cubs rivalry isn't quite on the Red Sox-Yankees level yet. (SportsbyBrooks)

Ranking Daniel Snyder as the fifth best owner in the NFL probably won't sit too well with some Redskin fans. (SI.com)

Free agents are going like hotcakes in the NHL. Funny how you could miss that and yet...(Signal2Noise)

Greetings Mike Fontenot! You match the height of Eckstein with the Gallic good sense of De Gaulle. (The Extrapolater)

And a hearty welcome back to Bubba Trammell. (Can't Stop The Bleeding)

The Worldwide Leader Of Misogyny

ESPN may have thought they had all their problems with women off their hands when they sent Harold Reynolds packing amid allegations of sexual harassment. It's not the case, however, as this week has brought forth two more scandals that sully the four-letter's name more than any evening spent listening to Joe Morgan call a game.

First up is the sexual harassment suit filed by a former makeup artist on "Cold Pizza." While it may be considered harassment enough to try and make Skip Bayless and Woody Paige look TV pretty, Rita Ragone claims that her problems went far beyond that on the ESPN set.

At one point, she said in court papers, Paige grabbed her rear end so hard that she jumped.

That's a hard grab! While we don't recommend trying it on unsuspecting ladies on the street, we'd love to hear how many psi's it takes to get a lady off her feet. Any aspiring engineers out there who'd like to share, please send the info our way.

Another time, Jay Crawford forced her into a corner and told her that he wanted her, she says. "I don't care if you can do makeup or not....The only reason that you got the job here is because you're hot," Crawford is quoting as saying.

Unless the reason she got the job was because of something Paige had to say.

"Rita looks like she's really good at giving b--- jobs"

If Ragone's claims are true she seems to be the only member of the "Cold Pizza" staff who didn't partake in a little slap and tickle behind the scenes of America's least favorite morning show.

One hair stylist regularly plunked herself down in Paige's lap. Another pulled her breast out when model Fabio was the celebrity guest, Ragone alleges.

Now we're up for reading some salacious tidbits about the likes of Paige and Crawford but do we really need to drag the good name of Fabio into this? Paige, Crawford and ESPN suits deny the charges, of course.

Meanwhile on ESPN Radio's Chicago outlet, host Dan McNeil has landed in some hot water after calling a producer at Comcast Sportsnet a "bitch" on the air. What terrible thing had Lissa Druss Christman, said producer, done to elicit such an expletive from McNeil? When that fan ran on the field during the ninth inning of Monday's Cubs game Comcast showed it, a rarity in a time when television ignores the actions of nitwits who interrupt the game. McNeil wondered if WGN, another Cub TV home, would have done the same thing and if both stations used the same cameramen. Christman declined to answer his query so McNeil let her have it.

McNeil and the Cold Pizza guys join Reynolds, Mike Tirico, Jason Jackson and Sean Salisbury as ESPN personalities who have a checkered history when dealing with the fairer sex.

Mickey Mouse Hates Black People But Miguel Cabrera Loves Quarter Pounders

The Florida State Seminoles can sit on top of the world just as long as they don't sit in Disney World 'cause there's no black men allowed in there! (SportsbyBrooks)

Haven't the people of Blacksburg suffered enough? (Awful Announcing)

A ranking of the personnel men of the NBA. There's a lot of bad in those ranks if Isiah Thomas only ranks 25th. (SI.com)

It's never too early for a NFL mock draft. Except it's much too early for a NFL mock draft. At least the Jets are picking 24th, which means they had a heck of a mock season. (Walters Football Site)

Don't fuck with Norweigian soccer moms. (The Offside)

It's no surprise that the greasy teen moustache Greg Maddux used to wear won him the Rookie Card Challenge. (Babes Love Baseball)

Miguel Cabrera cares not for your petty concerns about his obesity. (Bugs & Cranks)

Gilbert Arenas wants to be just like Marvin Brando. We assume he means Marlon Brando which we assume means he wants to spread VD across Tahiti the way Brando spread butter on that chick in Last Tango in Paris. (DC Sports Bog)

A new basketball court for Indiana University. (Rumors and Rants)

Who would have ever thought racing sausages would create so many copycats? (Home Run Derby)

Cereal, Bruce Willis and Shawn Kemp: Together Again For The First Time

A list of cereals you'd probably never eat. We're waiting for Roger's Roundies. They're really expensive, only fill half a bowl and never stop telling you how great they are. (Deuce of Davenport)

Speaking of the aging Rocket, he's one of seven 40-somethings who will start games tomorrow. All ERA's half-off until 6. (ESPN)

Live Free, Die Hard, Watch Sportscenter. (Awful Announcing)

Milton Bradley should really put out this game about Milton Bradley. (Catfish Stew, via Can't Stop The Bleeding)

A great list of the essential attributes of great closers. Like all rules, there's an exception to this one and it's Mariano Rivera. Only makes him better. (Signal to Noise)

We also owned the NBA Superstars videotape and we also remember it fondly. It's impossible to think of Larry Bird without thinking of "Small Town". (Slam)

It doesn't matter how sad a story is, when Shawn Kemp makes an appearance the only thing you can think of is bouncing babies. (Randball)

Tim Tebow draws some water in this town, you don't draw shit. (Loser With Socks)

Ricky Hatton vs. Floyd Mayweather? We're in. (Rumors and Rants)

The Brewers keep coming up with gems from their farm system. (Brew Crew Ball)

Scoop Jackson's Not A Big Reader

Scoop Jackson, firebrand of ESPN's Page 2 and ignorer of all other media, has decided to weigh in on the big story of last week. He's writing about Roger Clemens' contract with the Yankees but he's got the media in his crosshairs.

The media -- the people who are supposed to be the voices of reason, the protectors of the sanctity of sports -- collectively have acted as if Roger Clemens' signing with the Yankees was about Roger Clemens' signing with the Yankees. The media is failing to recognize this is about how one man not only has put an "I" in team, but put a "me" in MLB and "myself" in professional sports.

Roger Clemens is without question the most selfish athlete of our time.

Either that, or he's the most celebrated pimp in professional sports...

He's a self-absorbed, beyond-arrogant, bigger-than-the-game, I-have-no-respect-or-honor-for-the-concept-of-team, I-only-pitch-when-I-feel-like-it, any-team-should-feel-blessed-to-have-me, Randy-Johnson-will-never-be-on-my-level, the-world-revolves-around-me, kiss-the-ground-I walk-on, worship-who-I-am-because-I-am-the-me-myself-and-I-in-MLB pimp.

The idea that the media are the voices of reason in this country is pretty laughable in the first place but that's less important than the fact that Jackson is suffering from selective amnesia about the reaction to Clemens and his deal with the Bronx Bombers. Did he miss Mike Vaccaro's tirade in the Post last week that accused the Yankees of selling their soul for making the deal with Clemens? Was he out of the country when David Wells' opinions on the deal were reported across the nation?  Or Phil Garner's reaction? Or Curt Schilling's or Dave Stewart's? Or those of any number of bloggers who have weighed in with their thoughts about Clemens' "what's best for me" approach to continuing his baseball career? Hell, even his colleagues Jemele Hill and Stephen A. Smith weighed in on how disgraceful they found the whole deal.

Jackson's ostensible point - Clemens is a sacred cow that the media are afraid or unwilling to take down a peg - is clearly without merit. His larger reason for writing the article, calling Clemens a pimp, is  impossible to take seriously. Sort of like Jackson himself. 

Tonight On The Ocho!

As if boxing didn't have enough problems. With the growing popularity of Mixed Martial Arts and Ultimate Fighting, rumor is HBO is sniffing a deal although it may have hit a snag since their CEO is a practicioner of those dark arts, there will only be so many premium cable slots and disposable dollars for the sweet science. And that's before we even get into the sleeping giant that is Rock Paper Scissors.

The USA Rock Paper Scissors League, a 17-month old organization, held it's second national championship in, where else, Las Vegas this weekend. Sponsored by Bud Light, featuring a $50,000 top prize and covered by ESPN, the championships are hardly a small time event.

Matt Leshem, a 44-year-old Hollywood producer who says he never plays rock-paper-scissors for less than $100 a throw, founded the league last year after discovering there were leagues in Australia, Canada, Europe and elsewhere. With his booming voice, barrel chest and shiny pate, he stalked the scene of the tournament’s first day at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in a designer suit.

“To me, this is a great sport,” Mr. Leshem said. “Right now it’s got a little bit more of a carnival atmosphere than perhaps we intend, but I can tell people are buzzing. There’s a lot of energy here, and we’re culling the field down to the best of them.”

Leading contenders for the prize included Master Roshambollah and Antoine "Shears" Maanuum, who wore red gloves on his hands because they were just "too hot." Jamie Langridge, a no-nonsense scissor tosser from Texas, took the title home, however. USARPS has started a petition to get the NFL to use the test of skills instead of a coin toss before games, raising the very real and very enticing possibility of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning squaring off in a 2-of-3 throw for the ball in overtime of the AFC Championship Game.

If ESPN, which struck a deal to carry the tournament in March, has its way, and they usually do, it won't be long before all of us are familiar with the "great eight" throwing combinations. Here's a cheat sheet for those not yet in the know.

Avalanche: Rock-Rock-Rock. A “devastating offensive manoeuvre, which requires bravado bordering on recklessness to execute”.

The Bureaucrat: Paper-Paper-Paper. Formerly known as Confetti, “the deadpan delivery is the ultimate in passive-aggressive play”.

The Crescendo: Paper-Scissors-Rock. “Slow-building gambit” with the devastating rock delivering a “coup de grâce”.

Dénouement: Rock-Scissors-Paper. “Uses a cooling-down approach - when used in tandem with the Crescendo the result is often a baffled opponent.”

Fistful o’ dollars: Rock-Paper-Paper. “The rapid switch from offensive to defensive play can force an opponent into a vulnerable spot.”

Paper dolls: Paper-Scissors-Scissors. “An extremely effective gambit against the unwary”.

Scissor sandwich: Paper-Scissors-Paper. “Its main purpose is to unsettle the opponent through use of the concealed scissors”.

Toolbox: Scissors-Scissors-Scissors. “Requires steady hands and steely nerves. Given the puerile popularity of Rock, this gambit is not suggested for use against beginners.”

Floyd Mayweather may have outpointed Oscar De La Hoya but could he use the Scissor Sandwich to best an Avalanche-happy foe? That's a question for the future and we can't wait to find out.

Coming Soon: ESPN The Tollbooth Attendant

"This will be a lot more fun than just standing there washing your windshield."

I'm not a big driver. Living in New York City limits the need to get behind the wheel and I'll be the first to admit that I'm not all that good behind the wheel. So maybe I'm just underestimating how much of a pain in the ass it is for people who drive a lot to fill the few minutes it takes to fuel up their autos. I always approached it as a necessary evil of the roads, nothing more and nothing less, and was never struck by feelings of intense boredom or disconnect from the sports world.

But like I said, I'm not behind the wheel that often. I'm sure I'm underestimating the number of people who are eager to fill the time away from ESPN radio with a chance to watch sports highlights. Thankfully the worldwide leader is more observant of this neglected and, dare I say, persecuted segment of society than I am. They've struck a deal to provide programming to gas stations via HDTV's perched above the pumps thus assuring that whether at home, the office, at a newsstand, in a bathroom at their restaurant chain or simply purchasing some petrol you can't escape the tentacles of Bristol. What better way to forget that you're paying an arm and a leg to help support an industry that helps us into wars and damages the enviornment than by checking out "You Got Jacked Up!" at the local Exxon?