Pittsburgh 34, Cleveland 7 - You can add a third unpleasant certainty to death and taxes in the lives of Americans. The Cleveland Browns are, once again, a terrible football team. They gave up 206 rushing yards, Ben Roethlisberger threw four touchdown passes and two Browns quarterbacks helped contribute to a four-turnover performance that portends another long year in Ohio. Neither of those QBs was Brady Quinn but if the Browns hope to ever get anything out of the Notre Dame product they won't risk playing him behind an offensive line that gave up six sacks. Better to preserve Quinn's good looks for as long as possible before subjecting him to the indignity of life with the Browns offense. The Steelers new offense looked quite good but we'll reserve judgement until they face NFL opposition.
San Diego 14, Chicago 3 - Those of you looking for something with a more positive certainty in life are directed to LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers. Yes the Bears limited him to but 25 yards on the ground but he still scored his first touchdown of the season and also threw a 17-yard touchdown to Antonio Gates to account for all the scoring for the Bolts in Week One. Gates had a monster game, nine catches for 107 yards, to help beat the still feisty Bears defense. Also unchanged is the profligate Bears offense. They turned the ball over four times, couldn't generate any long drives and Rex Grossman remains as unreliable a signal caller as there is in the league. The Colts and Patriots flashed some offensive muscle in Week One but the Chargers defense was just as impressive as all the AFC contenders posted strong opening days.
Denver 15, Buffalo 14 - A stirring final drive by Jay Cutler, a redemptive winning field goal by Jason Elam and sharp debut by a maligned Bills defense are all secondary stories today. Kevin Everett of the Bills may never walk again after suffering a neck injury covering a kickoff and all the on-field results pale in comparison to the thoughts and hopes for a full recovery that any football fan should be sending in Everett's direction this morning.
Green Bay 16, Philadelphia 13 - This is the kind of loss that can come back to haunt you when you get nosed out for a playoff spot come Week 17. A fumbled punt that's recovered for a touchdown and another one that sets up the winning field goal are unacceptable happenstances at any point in the season. They were the difference in a defensive struggle that featured poor games from both Donovan McNabb and Brett Favre.
Houston 20, Kansas City 3 - A cursory look at Matt Schaub's line would probably leave Falcons fans apoplectic but it's a soothing sight for Texans rooters who are finally free of David Carr. Andre Johnson was dominant, Mario Williams scored a touchdown on a fumble recovery and the Chiefs look just as bad as expected. The only silver lining is that Herman Edwards stuck to his guns and didn't overwork Larry Johnson. It's not a recipe for wins but it makes everyone who passed on LJ in the first round of their fantasy drafts feel good about themselves.
Tennessee 13, Jacksonville 10 - Believe in Vince, my friends, and you shall find salvation. His numbers weren't impressive, 78 yards passing and 22 on the ground with a pick, but he scored the only touchdown on a two-yard plunge in the third quarter. He didn't need to do all that much anyway. Chris Brown rolled to 175 yards on the ground, LenDale White added 66 and the Jags couldn't do anything offensively behind David Garrard. Maurice Jones-Drew threw his hat in the ring for most disappointing high-round fantasy pick with 32 yards and a fumble.
Minnesota 24, Atlanta 3 - Despite the best arguments of the Sports Guy, the Falcons were looking at a really long season. Bobby Petrino isn't going to make it go any faster by giving the ball to Warrick Dunn 22 times a game and Joey Harrington is already well on his way to making the hit list in a third American city with two interceptions that were returned for touchdowns. The Vikings should be encouraged by the defense but more so by the debut of Adrian Peterson. He turned a dumpoff into a 60-yard touchdown pass and ran for 103 yards to stake an early claim to the Rookie of the Year award.
Carolina 27, St. Louis 13 - The award for most depressing debut goes to the Rams. 58 yards and two fumbles for Stephen Jackson, a poor performance from Marc Bulger, a possible season-ending injury to Orlando Pace and 387 Panther yards add up to a terrible first scene in this year's Rams drama.
Seattle 20, Tampa Bay 6 - The Seahawks defense put Jeff Garcia and Cadillac Williams on the shelf and their offense showed signs that last year's struggles were behind them in an impressive performance. That should be enough to get the locals off their backs for supporting President Bush.
Washington 16, Miami 13 - A mixed bag for the Redskins despite getting the victory. Jason Campbell threw two interceptions but also found Antwan Randle-El five times for 162 yards. The two-headed running backs combined for 157 yards but the team put together only one touchdown drive. The defense shut down Ronnie Brown but gave up big chunks of yards through the air. A win's a win but the Skins didn't exactly make me a believer.
Detroit 36, Oakland 21 - An exciting game if not a particularly well-played one worked out in the end for the Lions. They blew a 17-0 lead and trailed 21-20 in the fourth quarter before getting bailed out by Tatum Bell and Shaun McDonald. Jon Kitna and Josh McCown each threw two interceptions, Sebastien Janikowski missed three field goals and the two teams generally played like they earned the first two picks in this year's draft.
Dallas 45, Giants 35 - There were points galore and there were injuries galore. The Cowboys were without Terry Glenn and Jason Ferguson for most of the night. The Giants lost Brandon Jacobs, Osi Umenyiora and, ultimately, Eli Manning. It was that last injury that ended their chances for a win as Manning played one of the best games of his career before departing in pain. He found Plaxico Burress for three of his four touchdowns, including one that made it a 38-35 game with seven minutes to play. But Tony Romo, who also had a career night, hit Sam Hurd for his fourth TD toss of the game. The defensive performance, or lack thereof, has to be distressing to each squad even while they revel in the performance of their offense.
(AP Photo/Ken Blaze)