We Shall All Submit To Our Bobbleheaded Overlords

I'm heading out to Seattle next week and since part of the trip will be taking in the Mariners and the Red Sox from the friendly confines of Safeco Field next Friday night I was poking around the M's website. I found a lot more than ticketing information and the time of the game. A lot more than that and my discovery shook me to my core. Life-sized bobblehead dolls are taking over Seattle and they'll be at tonight's game to begin their conquest.

Mariners fans who have filed through the gates of Safeco Field this season are familiar with bobblehead giveaway days: the four-person set of Ichiro, Hernandez, Johjima and Ibanez have been very popular among the Seattle faithful. It was that popularity that inspired the Mariners to create six-foot, 200-pound replicas of the bobblehead dolls.

So actually I lied at the top of this post. They aren't life-size at all. The real Ichiro is 5'9" and weighs 170 pounds. The dolls are being auctioned off at the Mariners website so if you want to own a replica of Ichiro that dwarfs the real thing, by all means go ahead and do so. Invite our jiggly invaders into your home and see how quickly you stop being the man of the house. I'll be locked in the attic with canned peaches, a shotgun and my trusty ham radio trying to contact other proud humans who refuse to cede our ground to these sick freaks.

Jeff Richards, the director of marketing for the Mariners and the Dr. Frankenstein behind these monsters, is proud of his work.

"I'm not aware of another ballclub [promoting life-size bobblehead dolls], but I don't want to speak out of turn," Richards said. "I know there are other, bigger bobble heads out there, but to take a giveaway item and make it into six-foot, 200-pound doll that's pretty close to life size, it's definitely unique."

He's wrong, though. The good people of Milwaukee are under the plastic thumbs of Gorman Thomas and Jim Gantner as we speak.  Once they've accrued enough material for a Pete Vukovich we will have lost the proud city that gave us Lenny and Squiggy for good. Godspeed Milwaukee.