In less than 48 hours last week we found out which two teams would vie for the Super Bowl crown and which five films would be fighting for the Best Picture Oscar. It's a rare moment of synergy between two of America's great spectacles and got me thinking about how this football season and this movie season synced up in other ways. Looking at the list of nominated films for the ceremony at the end of February I found many similarities with the football league that's wrapping up its action this weekend. So without further ado and not from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California I bring you the NFL at the Oscars.
Little Miss Sunshine – The pageant finally called and accepted Peyton Manning’s application to get superfreaky on the main stage and he’s bringing the whole family with him. The sullen, nonverbal wide receiver, the coach still mourning the death of his son, the kicker who dumped the second most important quarterback in the AFC (this season, anyway) for the most important one and everyone else are piled into the VW van and headed to Miami.
Babel – The most overrated movie I’ve seen this year makes me think of the Baltimore Ravens. Overly pretentious coach Brian Billick composes a hodgepodge of high priced veterans (Steve McNair) and lesser known guys with exotic names (Ovie Mughelli) just like overly pretentious director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu did and neither guy was able to make something that came together in the end. There were some outstanding individual performances on the team (Adalius Thomas, Ed Reed) and in the film (the Japanese deaf-mute girl portrayed by Rinko Kikuchi) but mostly you wish that Billick was a mute himself and that Inarritu just made a movie about a sad, strange Japanese girl’s quest to fit in.
Children Of Men – The most surprising movie of the year for me, a real entertaining story that didn’t go anything like I expected it would and left me wanting it to go on for another hour at least. Robbed of nominations for Best Picture, the director Alfonso Cuaron and a top-flight cast, they played the same role for my moviegoing year that the Jets played for my football watching year. Only one Pro Bowler from the Jets? That's as big a fucking travesty as the snubs for this movie. It’s enough to make you wonder if everyone is using the same rulebook. That complaint aside, there's nothing better than a pleasant surprise at the cineplex or at the stadium and both Clive Owen and Chad Pennington gave me them this year.
The Departed – A Boston movie for a Boston team. The roster management by mirrors finally caught up with them in the postseason when guys like Reche Caldwell and Erick Alexander were exposed for not being what everyone expected that they were. And also because, like Frank Costello, Bill Belichick wasn’t as smart as he thought he was and the people he thought he could count on let him down. His biggest crime, though, was letting himself down when the heat was highest.
Letters From Iwo Jima – Take one classic leader and a bunch of people who don’t speak the same language that he does and there are two possible outcomes. One is the tour de force WWII movie turned in by Clint Eastwood that proves sometimes filmmaking can be an international language. The other is what happened with the Dallas Cowboys and ended Bill Parcells’s career in an act of hara-kiri worthy of any general of the Rising Sun.
The Queen – A movie about how a distant and aloof monarch lost the love of her subjects because she was out of touch with them has no other NFL analogue than the esteemed quarterback of the Giants. Eli Manning looks and acts like he’d rather be anywhere in the world other than standing with his hands under Shaun O’Hara’s junk. In general I feel that the Giants have a lot in common with the royal family, each are treated with undue respect because of things that mattered in the past and both make me think of Connecticut.
Blood Diamond – A noble black man and an American sex cannon team up to try and save the dark continent. Lovie Smith and Rex Grossman team up to save Chicago. It’s gonna take more than some Hollywood snazziness to save Africa; the jury’s still out on the Windy City though.
Half Nelson – Ryan Gosling came out of nowhere to grab a nomination for Best Actor and in that spirit we salute surprise Pro Bowlers like Frank Gore, Tony Romo, Marcus McNeill and Aaron Schoebel. And one who should have been, Kerry Rhodes of the Jets.
The Pursuit Of Happyness – The spelling makes me think of Dexter Manley. The preview, on the other hand reminded me of every saccharine and trite “true story” ever made. I don’t need to see it to know that it is what I thought it was, sort of like Denny Green and the umpteenth Arizona Cardinals revival. Was there a more disappointing single player this season than Edgerrin James?
Venus – Peter O’Toole was first nominated for an Oscar in 1963. Al Davis became the head coach of the Oakland Raiders that same year. In 2007 O’Toole has garnered another nod for playing an old perv who wants to get a nubile young thing into his bed for one last romp. Al Davis hired the 31-year old Lane Kiffin to run the Raiders. Both are creepy.
The Good German – Dirk Nowitzki. Oops, wrong column.
The Last King Of Scotland – Marty Schottenheimer spent 16 weeks looking like just the man to bring the San Diego Chargers their first championship. He’d cultivated a winning quarterback in Phillip Rivers’s first season as a starter, had a ferocious defense led by Shawne Merriman and the best running back in the league. We were all charmed by the performance to forget just how awful Martyball teams fare in the postseason and so many Americans lost their hard earned ducats by wagering on the Bolts to beat the Patriots. We all should have known better. See Forest Whitaker’s winning turn as the hideous beast Idi Amin for another reminder not to be seduced when you know the truth about how it all turns out in the end.
Notes On A Scandal – Another one that I haven’t seen but it could also be the title of Chris Henry’s autobiography. Or Tank Johnson’s. Or Shawn Merriman’s.
Volver – A movie about women killing the men who are trying to molest and abuse them is probably doing quite well in Denver where it's been recut to end with Jake Plummer in a freezer.
Little Children – What a great year for first year players and coaches in the NFL. Vince Young made good right away on his limitless potential, Reggie Bush was everything we hoped he would be and the two best coaching jobs were turned in by guys trodding the sidelines for the first time. Sean Payton and Eric Mangini have changed the way the league hires coaches – see Lane Kiffin and Mike Tomlin – by reaching the playoffs in their first year. I haven’t seen the movie but anything that puts Kelly Leak back on the big screen gets thumbs up from me.
The Devil Wears Prada – A movie all about the worst boss you ever had, all full of rage and vitriol, quick to blame everyone but herself when things go wrong but really an insecure, unloved wretch deep down inside. Sort of like Nick Saban.
Dreamgirls – The big, lavish Oscar-bait movie of the year earned rave reviews, reignited the non kiddie film career of the great Eddie Murphy, launched the film career of Jennifer Hudson, has done well at the box office and got more nominations than any other movie. But it missed out on the big ones like Best Picture and Best Director making it a mixed bag at best when all is said and done. The New Orleans Saints won hearts across the country, kickstarted Drew Brees’s stalled career and gave birth to Reggie Bush and Marques Colston. But when all is said and done they choked terribly in Chicago to lose a game that was right there halfway through the third quarter.
United 93 – The Art Shell Era was doomed from the moment it took off.
Borat – The hardest working man in show business this year was Sascha Baron Cohen and the hardest working man in sports business was Larry Johnson. Cohen went the extra mile – Azamat’s balls resting on his chin – to get laughs and a huge hit that deserved more than one measly nomination. Larry Johnson probably cut three years off his life from the abuse he took while toting the ball 400-odd times in Herman Edwards’s stale offensive scheme. He deserved better as well.
Pan’s Labyrinth – What do you make of a partially animated, Spanish language film about a young girl in Franco-era Spain that may or may not be real in the first place? Nothing. You just enjoy its originality, its spirit and its adventurousness, sort of like you do with Vince Young.
An Inconvenient Truth – The Eagles are better with Jeff Garcia then they are with Donovan McNabb.
The Good Shepherd – Dan Snyder assembles a well-paid cast of thousands only to see them underperform on the sidelines and on the field with the Redskins. Robert DeNiro suffered the same fate with his second movie as a director. Matt Damon, Alec Baldwin, Angelina Jolie, and hell, he even dug up Joe Pesci for another run but for whatever reason people didn’t respond and the movie was D.O.A. at theatres nationwide.
The Illusionist and The Prestige - Two movies about magic that were both entertaining ways to spend 120 minutes this fall. Matt Millen is working some kind of black magic in Detroit that turns three hours every Sunday into a nightmare but the greatest trick of all is that he's still employed by the franchise he's run directly into the ground.
Apocolypto - What is the best single word to describe the Steelers attempt to defend their Super Bowl championship, Alex?
Flags Of Our Fathers - Clint Eastwood's other WWII movie, about the American side of the Iwo Jima battle, was mostly ignored by everyone other than critics. It was an examination of heroism - what the word means, how heavy is the crown for those men who wear it and how it can sometimes obscure the truths of what happens on the battlefield. Brett Favre was the victim of too much criticism early in his career and lavished with too much praise as it wound (winds?) down. Somewhere in the middle is the truth, he did everything he could to help his side win every battle and should be proud of all he's done.
Click - The sound of my remote whenever Tiki Barber should happen across my television in his next career. And yes Click really was nominated for an Oscar! Best Achievement in Makeup for those playing at home.
Happy Feet - Michael Vick ran for 1,000 yards this season but tanked his team because he wouldn't go along with the flock and play quarterback the way he was supposed to. He did find his heartsong in the hidden compartment of an Aquafina bottle however.
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