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The Greatest

I was watching PTI at the gym this afternoon and in the first four stories Wilbon and Kornheiser called something the greatest of all time. First up were the Patriots, who Tony said would go 19-0 and were the best football team of all time. Then came Devin Hester, the greatest kick returner of all time. Finally, after a brief respite during a college football discussion that flirted with calling South Florida the greatest something or other of all time, up came the Colorado Rockies who are on the greatest hot streak of all time.

Cris Collinsworth did the same thing during halftime of last night's Sunday Night football game when he referred to New England as the best team he's ever seen. There's been scuttlebutt here and there that Tom Brady is having the greatest season of any quarterback ever, during last year's NCAA Tournament we heard that Greg Oden was the best Freshman to ever play college basketball. Unless it was Kevin Durant.

Elsewhere there are articles proclaiming Brett Favre, Joe Torre, the USC football program, Roger Federer, San Diego State kicker Parker Douglass, Floyd Mayweather, motocross racer Ricky Carmichael , high school running back Jerandon Bussey and Roger Clemens the Greatest ______ of All Time. Appalachian State's win over Michigan was called the greatest upset of all time until that USC football program was defeated by a Stanford team that ASU would probably handle with ease.

What's all the fuss about the greatest of all time? I think it has more to do with us than with anything these teams or players do in their chosen fields. We're obsessed with thinking that we are witnessing the absolute height of human achievement rather than just admitting that every era has its standouts, that its impossible to truly compare sports performances from one era against another except in the mind's eye. Sure, statisticians can create formulas that put things on an equal playing field but can anyone say with any degree of real certainty what would happen if Clemens took on Babe Ruth or if Tim Duncan's Spurs played the Knicks of Reed and Frazier?

I'd love to see both matchups but until someone harnesses 1.21 gigawatts it's going to remain a fantasy. These mythical titles seem to exist just to start the next debate - If the Patriots are the greatest team of all time and the Colts beat them does that make the Colts the greatest team of all time? - and in that next debate no one is going to be more inclined to temper their remarks.

I'm not saying any and all of these people are being mislabeled, except for the San Diego State kicker thing which is just hyperbole out of control. I'm just saying that our need to feel like we live in interesting and amazing times trumps any and all perspective about the length and variety of history.

They called World War I the "war to end all wars" and as you'll note by the ongoing muck of Iraq that was more than a little premature. The generation that won World War II, the "greatest generation," went on to get us into Vietnam, presided over Jim Crow and helped create divides in this country that are still being fought over. And those are things that actually matter. Wouldn't it be both easier and more accurate to say that huge things and magnificent individuals exist in every era and just celebrate them that way instead of resorting to hyperbole that only serves to make us feel better about ourselves?

Finally A Bike Race We Can Get Behind

Count us among those who have never been enamored with the Tour de France. Even before it became an event pitting the skills of rogue chemists trying to come up with new performance enhancers against those of chemists trying to catch them we weren't glued to the tube wathcing spandex-clad men zip through provincial Gaul. That's not to slight their athletic ability, just a statement of fact.

This weekend, though, New York hosted a different, more appealing bike race. It's called an "alleycat" and is designed to mimic the skills needed to be a top bike messenger in a city that's filled with thousands of them. 20 checkpoints were spread across Staten Island and each participant needed to navigate their own course through them, get their manifest signed and move on toward the finish. It's every man for himself, there are no teams that work their asses off so that one member gets to compete for a yellow jersey, and no routes lined with Frenchmen. And instead of blood doping drugs, the competitors rely on a kick of a different nature.

The competitors had a deadline and a mission: Get their manifests signed or stamped at various spots around the island. “Real bike racing is a rich man’s sport,” said Mike Dee, a messenger and an organizer of the race, called the Staten Island Invasion. “This is like the bike race for the rest of us — people who like to drink a beer in the mornings.”

It was the kind of race for which Pete Lang, a 25-year-old messenger, warmed up by smoking a cigarette.

NASCAR, another sport that's never captured my fancy, could learn something from these guys. Stick 40-odd drivers in cabs, have them pick up fares around the city for six hours and get judged on earnings and number of trips, though, and you've got yourself something that I'd watch.

If You See The Moose Coming, You Best Get Running

Not since the Zapruder film has a video done more to explain a tragic situation and make me feel like a fool at the same time. I was convinced Oswald acted alone and I was sure that the Moose was guilty. So very wrong...Let the Moose loose! (Shakedown Sports)

Finally someone in Boston pays some attention to Brian Scalabrine. (Epic Carnival)

Is someone at work calling you Herban and you don't know what it means? It's not a compliment. (Loser With Socks)

No pitcher deserves the infamy of giving up #756 more than Jose Canseco. (The Extrapolater)

I wonder what problem the venerable Southern Christian Leadership Conference could have with honoring Michael Vick? (Nation of Islam Sports Blog)

Can we make August 7th Butch Hobson Day? (One More Dying Quail)

Erik Morales was a helluva fighter. Good to see he's getting out of the game before his brain gets scrambled. (Rumors and Rants)

Only 88 days until Michigan destroys the Spartans. (The Ghosts of Wayne Fontes)

The world needs fantasy track. (Shot to Nothing)

Matt Vasgersian will be paying for drinks in St. Louis for the near future. (Awful Announcing)

The Simpsons Sports Movie

This Friday the long-awaited Simpsons Movie hits theaters. The show has had many sports associations, most notably the Homer at the Bat episode featuring a fistful of major leaguers, and cameos from a varied group that includes Joe Frazier, Chick Hearn, Gerry Cooney and Yao Ming. Hell, they've even referenced Esteban Yan. What they've never had, until now, is a live-action cast for a Simpsons movie made up exclusively of sports figures.

Homer Simpson – Ralph Friedgen. We were having trouble casting this most important of roles as it takes girth, a sense of adventure and a lack of regard/intelligence for the consequences. Friedgen is a big fat guy with little remaining hair but that’s not unique in sports. He got the role because he’s also a bit of a dummy. Take a look this story from today’s Baltimore Sun about a fishing trip Friedgen went on with his brothers after their charter canceled thanks to the weather.

One brother-in-law drove the boat onto an oyster bed. Friedgen was in the back of the boat. The tide was going down quickly. Friedgen realized that if they were going to get off the oyster bed, he had to jump off the boat.  They pushed it off, but Friedgen got stuck about waist-deep in something akin to quicksand.  With a current threatening to take him out to sea, he was able to get back into the boat. However, Friedgen was bleeding from a multitude of cuts.

When Friedgen got caught in quicksand, I imagine he bent down to pull one foot out and then the other one. That’s the kind of dedication to a part we’re looking for here.

Marge Simpson – Brynn Cameron. While Homer goes off on his crazy adventures Marge is forced to stay at home with the kids. Substitute Matt Leinart for Homer and you’ll see why Cameron wins this coveted part.

Bart Simpson – Gary Sheffield. His rebelliousness and unwillingness to follow the party line gets him in hot water with authority figures. Those traits have him perceived by the world at large as not being very bright. Underneath it all though there’s a bit of wisdom in what he says and he’s just doing what he feels because he’s not interested in what society says about him as long as they are paying attention to him.

Lisa Simpson – Billie Jean King. Overly concerned with social causes and won’t stop bugging people so that they pay attention to those causes because no one pays attention to her for just being the talented girl that she is. Also, Billie Jean King has an imaginary friend named Rachel Cohen who just got into Brandeis.

Maggie Simpson – Curt Schilling. In a gender-bending role the world finally gets to hear nothing from the mouth of Curt Schilling.

Epic Carnival

I've been a little tardy in mentioning a new association that I'm happy to be a part of on these here Internets. A hardy group of bloggers has banded together to talk sports, fight crime and generally make the world a better place under the banner of Epic Carnival. I've got a couple of posts up there, one about golf of all things, and I suggest you go and check them out. Or else I'll sic Michael Vick on your Shih Tzu and that won't end well.

The Sad Tale Of The 1994 Expos, Robert Horry's Smoking Crack and The Mustache Ride Is Closed

The 1994 Expos go right alongside whoever would have been the best team in the 2004-05 NHL. Wouldn't it be funny if it was the Canadiens? (Milk Was A Bad Choice)

Robert Horry's challenging the Celtics and the Lakers of the 80's. While they'd probably lose, either one of those teams would put up more of a fight, right now, than the Cavs. In their primes? Horry might have gotten some screws knocked loose when he ran into Steve Nash. (Larry Brown Sports)

Unlike Tony Soprano, we know just what happened to Sal Fasano. It may be time to stop believing. (The 700 Level)

This proves you don't need legs to come up with asinine excuses for failing drug tests. Unless it's true, in which case it proves there are some seriously fucked up people in the world. (WBRS Sports Blog)

Juwan Howard traded for Mike James. That sound you hear is absolute nothingness. (Hoops And Other Pop Culture)

The Fort Myers Miracle have a crack marketing staff but something tells me Billy Donovan won't be part of Billy Donovan Night. (The Big Picture)

Kevin Kouzmanoff has forearms carved from the finest granite. (The Extrapolater)

Strangely, the same thing happened when Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario took a serve to the crotch. (Lion in Oil)

Not that tennis players are the only ones who have to protect that area. (Foul Balls)

Shawn Kemp and Evander Holyfield we knew about but who could've guessed how much business Willie Anderson is throwing Hallmark's way this weekend. (100% Injury Rate)

Another Snooker Fight, Those Damn Seagulls And The Subtlest Anti-Semitism You'll Ever See

When are they going to clean up snooker already? If they ever make a movie of the above incident Alec Baldwin's a lock to play the guy laughing in the chair. (Deuce of Davenport)

That's a troublesome URL for one of the few Jewish baseball players in the Major Leagues. (Fire Joe Morgan)

Who will be the next Jack Cust? Our money's on Yurendell DeCaster but mostly because of his name. (The Hardball Times)

It's been way too long since we've heard from Sgt. Slaughter. (DC Sports Bog)

Bernie Miklasz might want to think of the people reading his interviews the next time he shares stories about Peter King's lovemaking techniques. (St. Louis Sports Magazine)

Andre Rison is a bad dad in addition to being Bad Moon. (Lion In Oil)

It wasn't so much Justin Verlander as it was the seagulls that threw a no-hitter last night. (Bugs and Cranks)

What is it about Florida schools that makes for so much criminal behavior? (Rumors and Rants)

Remember Dan and Dave? They're back. In pog form! (The Extrapolater)

The College World Series Alumni All-Stars. (One More Dying Quail)

Hong-Chih Kuo might not want to dig in too firmly the next time he faces the Mets. We'd say he should act like he's been there before but he hasn't so maybe he catches a break. (Sports Unfiltered)

Baseball Side Dishes, Able-Bodied Olympians And John Kruk's Testicles

Now that we know A-Rod is into muscular, she-male types for his extracurricular boinking, who are the ideal mistresses for the rest of baseball's stars? Hint: The gal above is one of them, which justifies her being on this page. (Babes Love Baseball)

This just in: Olympic athletes must have two legs constructed of flesh and blood. (Lion In Oil)

Welcome to the Fukudome! (Armchair GM)

What does Charlie Sheen think about what A-Rod did? Not the stripper, that should be self-evident, but the yelling at the fielder thing. (MSNBC)

The coaches of the confederacy do not dig the Wolverines. (Mgoblog and Sunday Morning Quarterback)

Mark Lemke probably wasn't on steroids. (Just Call Me Juice)

All those tubes on the internet probably make it too easy to create Heisman campaigns for college football players. (The Wizard Of Odds)

Now you know why all those cyclists use steroids. It's tricky business. (The Postmen)

If you're making fun of John Kruk, stick to his weight, his performance on ESPN or his incessant flatulence. Just don't go after his balls. Or ball, actually. (SportsbyBrooks)

Charles Barkley won't have Steve Kerr to kick around at the next TNT weenie roast. (True Hoop)

Tonight On The Ocho!

As if boxing didn't have enough problems. With the growing popularity of Mixed Martial Arts and Ultimate Fighting, rumor is HBO is sniffing a deal although it may have hit a snag since their CEO is a practicioner of those dark arts, there will only be so many premium cable slots and disposable dollars for the sweet science. And that's before we even get into the sleeping giant that is Rock Paper Scissors.

The USA Rock Paper Scissors League, a 17-month old organization, held it's second national championship in, where else, Las Vegas this weekend. Sponsored by Bud Light, featuring a $50,000 top prize and covered by ESPN, the championships are hardly a small time event.

Matt Leshem, a 44-year-old Hollywood producer who says he never plays rock-paper-scissors for less than $100 a throw, founded the league last year after discovering there were leagues in Australia, Canada, Europe and elsewhere. With his booming voice, barrel chest and shiny pate, he stalked the scene of the tournament’s first day at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in a designer suit.

“To me, this is a great sport,” Mr. Leshem said. “Right now it’s got a little bit more of a carnival atmosphere than perhaps we intend, but I can tell people are buzzing. There’s a lot of energy here, and we’re culling the field down to the best of them.”

Leading contenders for the prize included Master Roshambollah and Antoine "Shears" Maanuum, who wore red gloves on his hands because they were just "too hot." Jamie Langridge, a no-nonsense scissor tosser from Texas, took the title home, however. USARPS has started a petition to get the NFL to use the test of skills instead of a coin toss before games, raising the very real and very enticing possibility of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning squaring off in a 2-of-3 throw for the ball in overtime of the AFC Championship Game.

If ESPN, which struck a deal to carry the tournament in March, has its way, and they usually do, it won't be long before all of us are familiar with the "great eight" throwing combinations. Here's a cheat sheet for those not yet in the know.

Avalanche: Rock-Rock-Rock. A “devastating offensive manoeuvre, which requires bravado bordering on recklessness to execute”.

The Bureaucrat: Paper-Paper-Paper. Formerly known as Confetti, “the deadpan delivery is the ultimate in passive-aggressive play”.

The Crescendo: Paper-Scissors-Rock. “Slow-building gambit” with the devastating rock delivering a “coup de grâce”.

Dénouement: Rock-Scissors-Paper. “Uses a cooling-down approach - when used in tandem with the Crescendo the result is often a baffled opponent.”

Fistful o’ dollars: Rock-Paper-Paper. “The rapid switch from offensive to defensive play can force an opponent into a vulnerable spot.”

Paper dolls: Paper-Scissors-Scissors. “An extremely effective gambit against the unwary”.

Scissor sandwich: Paper-Scissors-Paper. “Its main purpose is to unsettle the opponent through use of the concealed scissors”.

Toolbox: Scissors-Scissors-Scissors. “Requires steady hands and steely nerves. Given the puerile popularity of Rock, this gambit is not suggested for use against beginners.”

Floyd Mayweather may have outpointed Oscar De La Hoya but could he use the Scissor Sandwich to best an Avalanche-happy foe? That's a question for the future and we can't wait to find out.

End Of The Week Clearance

Dan Majerle can still bring the thunder. (The Postmen)

As a Wolverine, I'm preconditioned to be down on the Wisconsin Badgers. But gridder-turned-Marine Jake Wood gets a major pass. (Lion in Oil)

Curt Schilling needs to chill the fuck out. How many people really believed Gary Thorne's lamebrained assertion that Schilling painted his sock red during Game Six of the 2004 ALCS? A few Yankee fans, perhaps, looking for a sliver of joy after six straight losses or several pasty-faced high schoolers that Schilling beat up in the form of some online dwarf but really, Curt, drop the indignation. (38 Pitches)

Joe Posnanski and Bill James talking about players who, for a stroke of luck here and a different stadium there, could've been in the Hall of Fame? Sign me up, even though they forgot about Jimmy Wynn. The Toy Cannon got screwed by the Astrodome and by the 1960's focus on pitching but make him five years younger and stick him in Fenway and he's a first-ballot pick. (The Soul of Baseball)

An open letter to Lenny Wilkens from the only blog named after Bip Roberts. (A Price Above Bip Roberts)

Because no one can ever have enough Terry Bradshaw. (Signal To Noise)

Just how smart is Mel Kiper anyway? And what would the NFL look like if he drafted for everybody? (Football Outsiders and Smittblog)

Mommy, where do quarterbacks come from? (Larry Brown Sports)

The sun rises, waves crash on the sand, Michael Vick gets in trouble, Rondell White gets injured: Like the sands through the hourglass these are the days of our lives. (Babes Love Baseball)

The how's and why's of the Yankee losing streak. (LoHud Yankee Blog)