The Secret Life Of Umpires
In a predictable follow-up to the Tim Donaghy betting scandal, Major League Baseball is trying to perform background checks on the 70 full-time umpires working their games. In an equally predictable response, the World Umpires Association, the union that represents those umps, is balking at the request.
"The umpires believe that the integrity of the game is paramount and understand the need for thorough security and personal background investigations in light of recent allegations of wrongdoing affecting the National Basketball Association," WUA spokesman Lamell McMorris said. "However, the umpires have decided not to sanction the league's decision to launch background investigations until they come back to the negotiating table to answer critical questions regarding the process and use of the information.
"We are committed to fulfilling our obligation to maintain the integrity of the game, but Major League Baseball also has a responsibility to do what's in the best interest of the sport and its fans -- and that is to not engage in knee-jerk, misguided witch hunts against the umpires without fair negotiations. The league hasn't investigated the umpires in the past thirty years for good reason -- our guys are of the highest ethical standing."
At first glance McMorris makes a lot of sense. Except, like every other negotiation between baseball and its employees, it's not nearly as simple as genuine questions about the integrity of the umpires and the way the league uses the information they gather. At a meeting last week the WUA said they would agree to credit checks of their members if baseball agreed to staff postseason games with a seventh umpire.
"We strongly indicated the fact that were offended by the effort to trade economics against integrity,'' said Rob Manfred, baseball's executive vice president of labor relations.
Manfred said that MLB was willing to provide details to the union but McMorris claims that the league was seeking "an open-ended right to investigate an umpire's background." That does raise the question of what McMorris and the umps are so scared of the league finding out? After the jump we'll share with you some of the things that they'd like to keep under wraps.
- Hates Jews.
- Was once asked to leave an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet after nine hours, 14 lobsters and a case of mercury posioning that would kill a normal-sized man.
- Screwed Milt Pappas.
- Enjoys turn of the century Bulgarian pornography.
- Doesn't believe in three strikes and you're out.
- Dropped the g from his first name after an unpleasant incident in a Kalamazoo Denny's forced him to live a fugitive life.
- Donates sperm four days a week.
- Steals cable.
- Doesn't understand the balk rule.
- Is actually the same person as Bill Welke but only reports one income on his tax returns.
- Thinks Larry the Cable Guy is funny.
- His real name is Dan Smith but thought Iassogna would get him noticed at Umpire camp.
- Quit chewing tobacco, started chewing ground up Burmese orphans.
- Was in cahoots with the guy who attacked him in Chicago four years ago.
- Favorite movie is "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood."
- Has never washed his hands after going to the bathroom.
- Suffers from chronic diarreha.
- Failed umpiring school but his father fudged his grades so that he could stop paying his rent.
- Wanted in nine states for mopery.
- The George W. Bush of umpires, Davidson is hated by the rest of the world for making calls that benefitted the U.S. in the World Baseball Classic.
- Known as Balkin' Bob by baseball insiders not because he calls a lot of balks but because he has a prediliction for hookers from the former Yugoslavia.
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