The No-Star Game

On Tuesday night San Francisco will play host to the 77th Midsummer Classic. All the biggest names in baseball will be there to battle for home-field advantage in the World Series and bragging rights between the Junior and Senior Circuits. The teams will be complete when the online voting ends tonight (Vote Neshek!) although a few more of the snubbed players will get calls over the weekend as injuries rob the game of players like John Smoltz and, perhaps, Alex Rodriguez. Somewhere else on Tuesday night, in a fictional realm resembling the home field of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, another game will take place. There won’t be anything as important as home-field advantage will be at stake in this contest but Joe Morgan and Chris Berman will be broadcasting it to homes all across the netherworld all the same. It’s the All-Star Game from Hell contested by two teams of the very worst players that have graced big league stadiums with their detestable presence this season.

American League

1B – Aubrey Huff, Baltimore

While Seattle residents get to enjoy the struggles of Richie Sexson thanks to “Cheap Sexson Mondays” at Norm’s Eatery & Ale House, Oriole rooters have no such luck when it comes to Huff. His .295 on-base percentage brings no discounted beers and you’ll need them to wash away the horrible taste Huff has left in your mouth. With two more years on his deal, you can be sure that Huffing won’t catch on in Charm City. A benefit to Marlo Stansfield’s crew but a pox upon Camden Yards.

2B – Josh Barfield, Cleveland

Barfield was a contender for the National League Rookie of the Year. Happily, voters chose Hanley Ramirez instead so they avoided making a choice that would go down in infamy alongside Pat Listach and Angel Berroa. Barfield’s been miserable in every facet of the game this season and his only saving grace is that the guy the Indians traded for him, Kevin Kouzmanoff, has been just as bad for the Padres.

SS – Julio Lugo, Boston

Lugo is the third straight offseason acquisition on this No-Star team and he’s the third straight Red Sox shortstop to flop upon arrival in Beantown. He just snapped a 0-for-33 string at the plate that saw Alex Cora begin to see more time in the starting lineup and dropped his batting average below the Mendoza Line. His VORP of -11.2 is something your Aunt Phyllis could manage and she’d cost the Sox less than the $9 million they’re shelling out for Lugo.

3B – Nick Punto, Minnesota

How bad has Punto been for the Twins? He’s got the third-worst OPS in the American League (ahead of only Lugo and a catcher to be named momentarily), he’s contributed 11 extra-base hits to the Minnesota attack and he’s contributed 21 fewer runs than a league-average player would contribute in the same spot.

C – Dioner Navarro, Tampa Bay

Come October you’re going to hear a joyful noise from Oakland because Jason Kendall’s contract will finally expire. His three seasons with the A’s have produced, to date; three home runs, 124 RBI and this season’s lowest OPS among qualified ALers. All at the bargain price of $34 million. Even with all that evidence to convict him Kendall escapes thanks to the existence of Navarro. With a .179 batting average and a 498 OPS, Navarro’s continued presence in the Tampa lineup makes it easy to understand why baseball hasn’t caught on in Central Florida.

LF – Jay Gibbons, Baltimore

Maybe we should hire Sam Perlozzo to manage this coterie of losers because the makeup of the team is a helpful way for him to remember why he’s unemployed. Helluva job they’re doing down in Baltimore.

CF – Corey Patterson, Baltimore

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

RF – Jermaine Dye, Chicago

The American League representative of the owner’s council, Dye is doing his best to make sure that salaries don’t rise by too much in the offseason by having an abysmal year before becoming a free agent. It’s really hard to believe that Dye was a contender for MVP last season when you look at this year’s numbers.   

SP – Edwin Jackson, Tampa Bay

This choice is made more difficult by the television showing Kei Igawa getting pounded once again at Yankee Stadium but ultimately Jackson wins out. The Rays keep sending him to the mound although he doesn’t average five innings per start and allows almost two baserunners per inning. Maybe that’s why no one likes baseball in Tampa.

RP – Todd Jones, Detroit

With Joel Zumaya injured for the near future you’re beginning to hear a lot about the Tigers exploring a trade for Eric Gagne of Texas. Why is that when Jones has 21 saves? Because Jones is the worst closer in the American League now that Joe Borowski has gotten on track in Cleveland. When he pitches he gives the Tigers less of a chance to win than an average pitcher would and no matter what last season meant to Detroit they can’t afford to stick with him much longer.

National League

1B – Carlos Delgado, Mets

This was a three-man death match between Nomar Garciaparra, Adam LaRoche and Delgado. Frankly we wouldn’t wish any of them on anybody’s team but Delgado takes the nod partially because he has fewer Runs Created than LaRoche and because Nomar moved to third base recently and partially because he’s been killing the otherwise strong Mets lineup all year. And Paul Lo Duca told us to pick on the Spanish speaking guys.

2B – Adam Kennedy, St. Louis

The Cardinals were clearly hoping for a repeat of their success with David Eckstein when they spirited Kennedy away from the Angels in the offseason. Sadly they’ve been left with a player who makes eyes misty for Joe McEwing around the Gateway Arch. Kennedy’s slugging .256 this season, a number Eddie Gaedel would mock.

SS – Adam Everett, Houston

A broken leg two weeks ago means that Everett and his 591 OPS won’t be able to play in our little game but that won’t stop us from honoring him as the very worst of the shortstops in the National League. He edges Omar Vizquel who is just as bad offensively but still flashes some fine leather in San Francisco. Omar shouldn’t cry about the snub, though, since he’ll be there as an injury replacement.

3B – Morgan Ensberg, Houston

Kouzmanoff could have been the choice here which would make his trade for Barfield one of the least consequential deals in the history of the game. Ensberg beats him out, though, thanks to a 200 point drop in OPS and horrendous play in the field. He hit .149 in June, the second month of regression after a .247 April. By October they may just be forfeiting his spot in the lineup.

C – Ronny Paulino, Pittsburgh

Paulino was a bright spot in another miserable Pittsburgh summer in 2006 with his .310 average and apple-cheeked youth. Alas, the league adjusted to him and Paulino hasn’t adjusted back and the returns are diminishing behind the dish. His best month was June, so perhaps all isn’t lost, but we’re judging on the whole platter in these parts.

LF – Pat Burrell, Philadelphia

You might rather have Burrell playing left for your squad than Jose Cruz Jr. but not if you were paying Cruz what the Phillies give Pat the Bat. He’s making more than $8 million and has a no-trade clause which means the team’s stuck with his all-or-nothing power swing and indifferent defense until it runs out after next season. As if further reason was needed for the surliness of Philly fans.

CF – Andruw Jones, Atlanta

There are plenty of bad centerfielders in the National League (we were totally holding this spot for Juan Pierre) and Jones’s first-half is likely an aberration given his excellent resume. That said; he joins Dye as the best friend to major league owners in baseball because of the way he’s underperformed just before hitting the open market.

RF – Jacque Jones, Chicago

The Cubs are truly a snakebitten franchise. They actually found a taker for Jones and his substandard game in a trade but because of their forthcoming sale they were barred from making the deal. That’s because they had to pay off the rest of his salary, something that neither MLB nor Sam Zell were crazy about, but you’d think the latter would rather pay him to play for someone else instead of stinking up the Friendly Confines one minute longer.

SP – Anthony Reyes/Kip Wells, St. Louis

There’s so little separating the two aces of Tony La Russa’s staff that we decided to have them alternate batters. Reyes is 0-10 with a 6.40 ERA and currently pitching for AAA while Wells, the second offseason acquisition by the World Champs to make this team, has been dropped from the rotation after 15 desultory outings. He’s 3-11 with a 6.06 ERA and taken together these two clowns help explain why it’s been a rough title defense.

RP – Dan Wheeler, Houston

We’re guessing that Wheeler’s still the closer in Houston although the lack of save opportunities makes it hard to confirm that fact. He’s blown four saves and has four losses which come up just short of the 11 saves he’s actually converted and makes Houstonians long for the days of Brad Lidge and his flammability in the closer spot.