The Nate Robinson Test

Have you ever seen Annie Hall? You know the scene where the guy behind Alvy and Annie in line for a movie won't stop going on and on about Fellini, McLuhan and the relative coolness of different media and Alvy asks for a polo mallet before bring Marshall McLuhan himself on to dispute the guy's assertions? Well, if you know that scene you have some idea of what it is like to sit in my Knick seats this season.

The guy who has the seats directly behind mine has no shame and no modesty about pontificating about anything and everything about the Knicks even though he really has no idea what he's talking about from one day to the next. He and his brother-in-law split the seats, believe me you need little more than a half to get all the relevant information, and at the start of the season it was clear that they were only there to boo the Knicks. Why people would spend $2500 to boo is beyond me, I guess the world is full of unhappy people who are comforted by their unhappiness and choose to find ways to extend it even further. The brother-in-law would sometimes come to games with his wife, I'm assuming the other, portlier, insufferable guy's sister, and they were fine together. Much quieter, much less liable to scream at anybody in the hundreds of seats between ours and the court to "Sit Down!" when they got up to go to the bathroom, get a beer, cheer or whatever.

Anyway, peppered in between his boos, Sniparella (so dubbed by a toasted guy sitting next to me and the wife one night who spent about 30 seconds in his seat in between getting high in the Garden stairwells. The guy got up to go extend his buzz when chubs told him to, predictably, "Sit Down!" My neighbor turned around and told the guy to shut up as he wasn't even there most of the game and called him Sniparella. The fatass responded with "I don't even know what that means," which is now all that my wife and I say when he goes off on one of his tangents. Incidentally, the one thing that's kept us from ever having words is that he hasn't dared told me to "Sit Down!" making him officially the first person intimidated by me) Where was I...right, Sniparella likes to spout off his opinions about all things basketball which have included bemoaning the rule that made zone defense illegal, intermittently telling whoever he was with why Stephon Marbury sucks or why he's so great and how Patrick Ewing slept with 54 different Knick City Dancers during his career. Most maddeningly, though, are his ongoing testaments to the greatness of Nate Robinson.

If you're anything like me there are certain things that are dealbreakers when it comes to the opinions and/or tastes of other people. If you find Dane Cook funny, for example, root for Ohio State or find Bad Santa too dark we aren't going to get along that well. My now-wife, then-fiancee and I went to see the new Superman picture last summer and when the lights came up I was terrified to hear her say "Wasn't that good?" because I would have had to break the engagement and her heart by walking away from her in the theater and never looking back.  It's just too hard to sit there and try to explain your point of view to someone sometimes. Nate Robinson has spent the last two seasons becoming just such a dealbreaker for me.

He's a terrible basketball player. Selfish offensively, apathetic defensively, a poor passer and an irresponsible ballhandler, all of those things add up to make a player that I just can't stomach. No one could ever tell me that the Knicks wouldn't be better off with Mardy Collins or Chris Collins or anyone else named Collins or otherwise playing any minute that Robinson got this season. He infuriates me, even when he's playing well, which just proves that just as I can't be swayed by an alternative argument I probably couldn't be swayed by someone who is enthralled by Two Bits. So naturally Sniparella's favorite player on the entire planet is Two Bits (it's a self coined nickname because he looks a lot like Fitty Cent and is about half the size).

I almost reached my breaking point last night. Everytime Robinson would touch the ball behind the three-point line Sniparella would squeak "Shoot!" As Robinson was leading the Sixer charge from nine down back into the lead with a drive into the lane that led to absolutely nothing, I heard the voice from behind me say "He's so fearless! He's 5'5" and just goes into the lane and doesn't care." It took everything I had not to spin around and shove fist down his goateed foodhole while screaming "That's the problem you rotund moron! He doesn't care, he doesn't care about anything but his own scoring total! It's not fearless to do something stupid without caring about the result. It's just stupid! Like you you fat turd! And the NBA only made zone defense legal in the last few years you enormous invalid!"

Playing wildly out of control isn't a sign of fearlessness, it's a sign of being too dumb to know any better. Just like spouting off your thoughts and ideas with nothing to back them up isn't being opinionated, it's being too dumb to know any better. My deepest wish for next basketball season is that the Knicks have traded Nate Robinson and that Sniparella has found another seat to park his large ass in so that I'm spared having to sit through the marriage of the two of them while trying to enjoy a basketball game.

Comments

[Football]

Two great calls - Sniperella is a loser and Nate Robinson sucks.

So does Isiah. No point in separating the coach and the gm, fire him from everything. Michael Cooper would be the right hire.

[yl adam]

Maybe he's just a gunslinger. You know, like Brett Favre. I think Isiah could be lured into a Robinson for Phil Collins swap if someone worked the phones hard enough. Then the Knicks would have a Grammy!

[Ryan]

Amen. Thank you for what you said about Nate Robinson. All he brings to the team is that 'circus' factor. He jumps really high for a small guys, but brings nothing to the team when it comes to winning games.

[The Feed]

Football - You are a WNBA enthusiast? I'm not going to make any pro Isiah arguments because, honestly, what's the point but I think we can find someone who has coached some actual basketball in his life.

YL Adam - Isiah's not the only one who could be lured by such a tempting proposal. No Jacket Required would be a terrific slogan for the 2007-2008 season.

As for a comparison to Favre, I'll make you a deal if Nate completes the same percentage of his passes as the Old Gunslinger I'll eat my words.

[The Feed]

Ryan - We are of a like mind my friend. I actually do get why little kids dig him, the little anklebiters can see themselves in his size. Otherwise, you nailed it, he's a circus act not a basketball player.

[Scott]

Dane Cook is for retards

[Awful Announcing]

I like your criteria....we'd get along splendidly!!!

[Frank]

Hater in the house. Nate Robinson is my boy and you are obviously just too ignorant to appreciate his talent.

[R. Charles]

That was one of the most articulate pieces written about one of the worst pieces in the NBA. Big ups to dogging Dane Cook, Ohio State and people who are scared of Bad Santa too.

[The Feed]

Frank - I'll put my time spent watching the Knicks and the NBA up against anyone. I may be a hater but it ain't out of ignorance.

R. Charles - You, me, Scott and Awful Announcing should have a party then. Thanks for the compliment.